Sneak preview of Christmas pics!!!

Frozen...

Today has been an ok day, I've actually gotten a little bit done. But still for the most part I feel that my head and my heart are frozen in time while my body has to keep moving forward. No one tells you that this is what happens when someone you love, someone who was a part of bringing you into this world, someone who has been a part of your life since your first breath, dies. There is so much to do and yet most days it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. Everyone else seems to be moving at a normal speed and enjoying life and I'm in slow motion at best. The holidays are coming...Morgan has a ton of school projects to do... Aaron has to deploy again...my house is turned upside down with things that need to be done and finished...the floor has to be installed...what to do for Thanksgiving...start shopping for Christmas...and the list just goes on and on. And I wonder when will my life, our life, get back to some resemblance of normal. It's overwhelming! So many mornings I wake up thinking about my dad and I usually go to sleep with him on my mind too. I am his oldest daughter, the oldest of three. He was a part of my life for 32 years. He watched me grow up, walked me down the aisle, & met my daughter when she was born. Things were anything but perfect in our family growing up but yet family is still family and we still loved each other. You don't get to pick your parents...that's something that God does for you. Yet I am still amazed/stunned at the hole that has been left in me, now that he is truly gone. The finality of it here on this earth is staggering. It is truly going to take a lot of time to work through and process this and grieve. It's going to take a lot of God. It's odd how a lot/most people don't know what to say or do.(You're just the current gossip for a little while.) Some people expect me to already just be ok, deal with it and move on. (Believe me if it was that simple, I would) Some have avoided me completely. (That's been really odd and painful too.) Then there are a few who have loved me with open arms and are just willing to let me be and accept me where I'm at and that is truly all one can do when someone is hurting so deeply...to just stand by and be there when you need them. (And I am grateful for those few.) I miss my sisters like crazy, they are the only two other people that share the same connection to my dad and understand. We should have had another 20 years with him, but that's not how it is now. I miss him and I love him. They say that time is a healer...we'll see. Time and God's unfailing love and grace.

Missing summer already....

My family...love them so much!

oh how I love these two girls...

Miss you around here Sarah!

looking forward...

to finding the positive again in everyday life and spending more time with this little one this summer!

In love all over again...

with photoshop and textures!!! Just playing around with some random pictures in photoshop Cs5 for the first time and I love it. Can't wait to learn all the in and outs of this program. I think it's going to make things go so much smoother in editing pictures!!!

Goodmorning and Hello again! (this is a long post)

It's been a really long time since I've posted. There's just been so much going on and to be honest it hasn't been all that great and I wasn't sure if I had anything good to say...so I haven't said anything! To put the last couple of months in a nutshell...Aaron was deployed from the beginning of Dec to the end of March (that statement right there should be enough!) It was the hardest deployment that we've had so far. The Holidays were so hard without Aaron. And a lot of things went wrong, from our car being totaled out by another driver to me having to put my 16year old cat to sleep without Aaron. And then all the other little things that went wrong in between. I can however say and testify that God's grace and love was there. I never got my feet under me during the whole deployment. I felt like I was just barely swimming with my head above water. Just making it moment by moment and feeling very alone inside. As everything else...time passed and Aaron came back. He's been back a month and we've made it through the transition phase back into being our family. We have so been looking forward to this summer together without a deployment or training. A summer to spend real time together as a family, a summer to get things done on the house that have been waiting to get done for the past 4 years. A summer to really connect and relax....you know the things that you get married for, to share your time and life with your best friend. We have yet to have a regular open summer since we've been here. So to say that we were looking forward to this summer is an understatement and that we were looking forward to taking an actual family vacation too. Needless to say it won't be this summer as we had planned and hoped. Aaron is deploying again in a matter of weeks. Morgan will finish the school year and then he'll be gone again before her birthday. To be honest I want to scream and throw an adult sized hissy fit!!! I remember quite a few people told me when we got here that the first two years would be intense and that there would be a lot of deployments...well we've just finished 4 years here and it hasn't let up. I know a lot of people think and have personally told me, "well you signed up for this when you married a man in the military so you knew what you were getting into, so just deal with it." Really, Really??? The last time I checked I was flesh and blood just like anyone else. Military spouses aren't created differently than anyone else, they just have to usually deal with constant change and unknowns and do it by themselves a lot of the time. And just for the record I didn't know anything about military life before I married Aaron and there didn't use to be this many deployments back to back. Things have changed a lot in the past 10yrs. Don't get me wrong, I am very proud of Aaron and what he does. As you can tell I am beyond frustrated at the amount of time he is gone. He's gone more than he is home and there is something very wrong about that. So once again, our summer plans will be put on hold for the year. There are so many times that I feel like I'm standing still and life is just flying by...like I'm watching my life unfold from the outside. I see all these other families getting together and hanging out and everything seems so normal for them. Yes they have difficulties too, but they have each other to lean on and call on when they need something or someone. I'm not sure how I'll fill our summer without Aaron. I'm truly hoping that I can get it together this time with my feet underneath me and enjoy the time as much as possible with Morgan. I'm praying once again for God's grace and strength and that He will meet me here once again while Aaron has to be gone (because Aaron takes my heart with him every time he leaves) So if you think about us, please just pray that we will have focus to get some things done here that have to get finished before the summer, for a more fresh perspective for the next couple of months, for safety for Aaron and sanity for me, and that the Lord will fill the incredible void in me and Aaron when we have to be apart from each other. thanks.

(ok so this turned into more of a venting post than I'd planned, but I just needed to get it out. next post will be lighter!!! I promise)